MAGAZİNE
The Hoff Got The Kids
Jesus, how bad was the mom then? David Hasselhoff was given custody of his kids today, presumably because he needed more camera people to film him trying to eat various foods while intoxicated. You saw the hamburger vid, right? Not pretty.
After randomly proclaiming today "a beautiful day to go the beach," Hoff told the media, "The judge said today 'enough, enough is enough, these children have been through enough.'" Hoff then discussed his beach plans, and never one to let an opportunity slip through his fingers -- used the attention to plug "America's Got Talent."Moments after the judge's decision, Hoff's ex-wife Pamela Bach was spotted crying in the hallway. She was overheard telling her lawyer Debra Opri, "What am I gonna say? I just lost my kids." Opri then escorted Bach into the restroom, where they remained for several minutes. A short time later, Bach appeared in front of the media with her game face on -- keeping her composure as she smiled and waved.
What you're gonna say is "I just lost my kids to a BLAZING alcoholic so what the hell am I doing wrong in MY life?" Seriously, begin questioning yourself. This bitch must have been locking the kids in the attic because she couldn't get the inheritance if grandpa knew she had kids. For god's sakes, the Hoff couldn't get a hamburger in his drunk mouth and got custody. Jesus wept.
Demi and Ashton Kidnap Dog!
Demi and Ashton were engaged in a slow-dog chase earlier today. Dressed in their signature outfits and dark sunglasses, they hoped to evade paparazzi as they casually walked away with Zsa Zsa Gabor's pet Chihuahua.
OK, I'm totally lying here. But the truth is so boring! They're just walking their dogs as a couple. No one's in jail, rehab or having sex on videotape...yet! The afternoon is still young. Come on, guys. Let's go smoke some crack and make a bunch of bad decisions! I'll bring the video camera!
Jessica Biel Needs To Read This STAT
Justin Timberlake is letting it be known that tall redwood-like Jessica Biel isn't the one . Ouch. Couldn't he have told her ass in private? He'd better watch it. She could use his fancy lad body for a toothpick.
The pop heart-throb called Jessica, 25, his "very dear friend" and said she texts him all the time. But when asked who the love of his life is, he replied: "I haven't met her yet." Ouch!And although he claimed he couldn't say no to her "pretty face" when she asked to accompany him to Europe while he toured with his FutureSex/ LoveShow, he has now put his foot down and told her it's business before pleasure...
Justin said: "She truly insisted that she came with me on tour. I don't know how to say no to a pretty face. But it wasn't really a good idea. This time I'm putting the machine before everything else. Jessica met up with me in Manchester, but for Paris I told her categorically no. This tour is very important for me. I'm doing it really seriously so there's no question of playing sweethearts!"
SNAP! I highly doubt she's home crying. She probably read that and went and played a rousing game of beach volleyball with other hardbodied grunting lipstick lesbians in sports bras. And then there was a steamy sauna scene, and am I actually straight?
Angelina Jolie Hits the Sexshops
Apparently, while Angelina Jolie was on a break from filming "Wanted" in Prague, she paid a visit to a local sex shop.
Now comes word from Mike Walker that Jolie may have a remedy. According to the veteran columnist from the National Enquirer she just took a break from filming her new flick "Wanted" in Prague, visited a sex shop called "Erotic City" and purchased two items - a black leather garter belt and (drum roll please) a black riding crop!Walker muses, "Since Angelina doesn't ride horses in her movie, this week's intriguing gossip question is: If the idea is to whip up a little consensual fun, who's the whip-ee? Or is the crop simply a decorator accessory destined to hang on a wall?"
When you're with Brad Pitt, why the hell not, right?
J.R. Rotem Should Have A Top Hat And Tails On He's Such A Gentleman
(Flynet)
J.R. Rotem is that two-bit record producer who briefly romanced the shaven-headed 7-Eleven groupie we know and love as Britney Spears. Keep in mind he romanced her right before her mind blew up, so his penis could have contributed to the mix. Anyway, he spoke to Blender magazine and gave details on how he gave it to her.
"I f**ked Britney wheelbarrow style." Oh wait -- he was just kidding, he says. No, in fact, says JR, "It was tractor style." Tractor style?In the end, says J.R., he and his farm girl Brit "decided for both our careers that it would not be cool to have a romantic relationship."
I get the "wheelbarrow". He held onto her legs like wishbones whilst thrusting inside her, right? But the tractor? I know that I'm that experienced in giving it to a lady, seeing as I am steadfastly homosexual - but seriously, tractors are large machines that rumble over dirt...oh now I get it.
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Jessica Simpson is Joyous
That guy's purple t-shirt would make me happy, too. It's so royal and lovely. Jessica Simpson is all happy while walking around. Stalking John Mayer's lanky, gay ass would make you happy, too. Making a grown man alternately weep and shake with rage because you're everywhere all of a sudden and won't be denied would make any psychotic happy.
Brad Pitt Takes Maddox to Mars 2112
You gotta love Maddox's attitude!
While Angelina is off giving interviews and creating controversy with her every movement, Brad takes Maddox for a little playtime. It's off to the Mars 2112 arcade in NYC.
Cristiano Ronaldo and Michael Phelps
It's a slow news day, so why not feature a little eye candy. Here's some Cristano Rondaldo and Michael Phelps for you.
Lindsay's Bodyguard Stretches the Truth a Tad
Lee T. Weaver has spoken out about his former employer, Lindsay Lohan, making the statement that the young star had a "death wish" around the time of her most recent car crash. But it seems he may have exaggerated the terms of his employment just a smidge. And by a smidge, I mean a whole lot. Because I was being sarcastic. In an interview with UK tabloid, News of the World, Weaver claims that he worked for Lindsay a total of two years. However, TMZ reports that he was only employed by Lohan for ten days, when he substituting for a member of her regular security staff.
Lindsay's rep tells TMZ, "It's deeply unfortunate that this person has deluded himself into thinking that he worked for Lindsay for a long period of time. This is a cynical and ugly attempt on his part to cash in on Lindsay's fame."And then that's when the rep added, "Yes, dude, and the job of 'cashing in on Lindsay's fame' has already taken by her mother, thankyouvermuch. So back the F off."
Fashion Disaster: Hilary Duff
Where are the giant bangs and fingerless gloves? The editors discuss Hilary's "style" after the jump...
Lisa: Lucky for her, Britney Spears is walking around wearing her clothes BACKWARDS. That's right, the woman has a team of people working for her who are supposed to make sure that she looks decent, and her backwards-dressing sometimes slips past. I wouldn't be shocked to find out that her cowboy boots are often on the wrong feet as well. So, when Hilary shows up somewhere looking like an a old-time hooker from Petticoat Junction, we all shrug our shoulders and say, "Well, at least her areolas are concealed."
J.Harvey:"Tropical the island dream! All of nature wild and free! This is where I long to be! La Isla Bonita!" That's the worst I can do, Lisa just reported on how she gave schoolkids backpacks full of food and I'm not THAT much of an ass.
Cara: I wonder if "Soft Cell" was playing in the background as Hilary walked the carpet in that. She is a cone wonder-bra away from "Madge: The Early Years." Although this is kind of nostalgic. It makes me want to go home and have a sleep over with my friends and bust out the bedazzler and have a scrunchie making party while rocking out our slap bracelets.
This Means She's Guilty, Right?
Crazed supermodel Naomi Campbell has settled out of court with a former personal assistant who filed a civil suit against her. This is the chick who claimed Naomi beat the smack out of her with a cellphone. So I'm guessing Neh-Neh wasn't convinced of her own innocence.
Amanda Brack, 21, also claimed Campbell spat on her and even chucked her passport into a hotel pool during a hissy fit while on a trip to Morocco. Terms were not revealed, and neither Campbell nor Brack had anything to say about the settlement, which a Manhattan Supreme Court judge approved last month. Their lawyers were also tight-lipped about the settlement.
What kind of ghetto diva SPITS on someone unless say Ms. Brack stole her man or something? I hope Brack busted her one across the chops for that move. I don't care if you're a beautiful supermodel, that's bile! Ugh. 
Terms were not revealed, and neither Campbell nor Brack had anything to say about the settlement, which a Manhattan Supreme Court judge approved last month. Their lawyers were also tight-lipped about the settlement.
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